I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Best friends brother. Beat that.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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