I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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