I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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