I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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