I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
