I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
