I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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