listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
