What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
