I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
