I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dick very happy bro
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
