if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
