Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
