now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
