i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
