Already got asked if we're dating
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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