i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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