I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
