I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
