At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
