just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
