Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
