Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
