my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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