I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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