The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
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Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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