i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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