like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
