Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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