I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
