k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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