I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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