The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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