non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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