So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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