why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
