happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
