Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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