dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?