Just fell off a train. Bad.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating