i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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