i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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