they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
