dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Can Purell be used as lube?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
