when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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