Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
