NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
