you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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