he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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