we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
