so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
