I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
