I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
