yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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